South Yorkshire's beleaguered paedophile grooming gangs breathed a collective sigh of relief this afternoon as Labour won the Police and Crime Commissioner by-election. One local shopkeeper, busy stocking up with alcopops, said the result meant it was "business as usual" and a great boost to the local economy in the run up to Christmas.
"People were very scared when all of this got out, but we can trust Labour and the media to sweep it all back under the carpet just so long as we keep voting for them, after all they've got just as much to lose as us".
Local taxis firms were also pleased with Labour's success as it gives the green light for the expansion of Doncaster's Robin Hood Airport, soon to be renamed Jimmy Savile Airport. "Child sex tourists from across the world will be attracted to Rotherham" said one driver "it can be an internationally renowned centre of noncery and with the most experienced guides in the world".